The countdown is most definitely on. In 6 sleeps time I’m going from the middle of winter to the middle of summer.
So obviously right now I’m working on my fake tan. I mean, seriously, it’s the middle of winter and I will be the whitest person in Spain if I don’t do something about the state of my legs immediately. No one wants to purposely look like a tourist.
But wait I hear you say, you’re the person who hates fake tan. Wasn’t it you who harassed your friend about spraying her face orange for no good reason… Yes, yes it was. That was me. I am opposed to fake tan. I am also a hypocrite. Turns out I’m not perfect after all. Who knew?
There’s a whole aisle at the chemist dedicated to artificially browning yourself. Or, orange-ing as the case may be. You have to choose if you want to be light brown, medium brown or dark brown. There isn’t a choice of orange shades, they appear to come as a ‘bonus’ from either choosing the wrong brown or incorrect application.
You can also choose to spray yourself, use an instant tanning agent that you brush on, or use a moisturiser that colours over time. Best not to think about the ingredients and how this process works.
I have opted for the moisturiser option for 2 reasons. The first is that I couldn’t possibly be expected to spray anything in any kind of equal consistency or pattern. If I chose spray, I would be streaky and orange, and so would my bathroom, ensuring I’d never get my bond back. The second reason is that, more than the embarrassment of being streaky and brownish or orangish is that all fake tan products stink. It’s not some lovely smell of roses and clover, or essential oils and jojoba, but some kind of chemically infused essence of arse. Fortunately the moisturiser option has only a ‘hint of arse’ which hopefully others don’t notice.
It’s lucky there’s only 6 sleeps till I go, because I’m not sure I can keep this up for much longer.